Building Resilience Together: How Couples Can Heal From Trauma

Can couple's really heal from trauma? Can couple's build resilience together?

As a trauma therapist, I have found that most of our healing happens in our

relationships, a place we tend to feel supported as well as challenged.

Most trauma happens in our primary relationships, a part of the complexity of familial relationships.

Statistics show that most of us know our abusers intimately or they are close to our

family in some way. So trauma happens in attachment but this is also how we heal

those wounds, as social beings.

It is incredible how often I hear that our stuff comes up as soon as we in a secure,

healthy relationship for the first time. We are safe and our brain is smart, only letting the

deepest healing happen when we are healthy enough to do it, pushing it to the surface.

There are also relationships in which we feel insecure and this has a huge impact on

our dynamic as a couple. Either way, the couple relationship is a vital place we do our

work in healing trauma.

You know those conflicts where is feels really intense and seems to get away from you

completely? Awful things are said and we end up feeling devastated and emotionally

abandoned? Tons of repair work is needed and we can feel shaken for days?

This is when we are likely enacting trauma in our couple relationship. Almost like a toxic family

member has entered the room and taken over our words. Both yourself and your

partner likely have a trigger that comes back repeatedly. Sometimes space is the only

way to de-escalate.

Try to identify who the person is that seems to come into the room for you. Ex. Critical mother. This way you can externalize it and make it part of healing

after these fights with your person, a debrief. Allows you to work as a team rather than

feel pitted against each other. Learn to talk about your respective traumas, bringing

empathy into this.

Another really hard piece in relationship is learning to trust a person with your feelings if

life has taught you people are broken and therefore, untrustworthy. These core beliefs

result in scripts in which it feels impossible to try something different, even when our

Wise Self tells us our partner seems different. We want to test our partner, over and

over to see they will be there when we need them most.

If you feel these intense fights and power struggles happen often and you are cycling in

toxic dynamics, you are likely enacting a trauma piece on an ongoing basis. ex.

Victimizing yourself in your relationship as this worked to soften your childhood

caregivers, but is no longer working for you and upsetting your partner. They may feel “set up to be the bad person”.

This is when it may be time to get a couple therapist to help. They can assess your relationship dynamic and personal history. They can help you get out of toxic patterns together and make different choices.

Some couple therapists can help you heal trauma in session with the two you, learning to support each other. They can also help you decide when individual support is needed to help

you get unstuck.

Helpful Resources:

The Gottmans www.gottman.com are also a wonderful resource for trying exercises

together.

And try reading Hold Me Tight. by Dr. Sue Johnson www.drsuejohnson.com

We are also here to help.

You can book a free consultation with any one of our therapist through our website: www.LisaShoudlice.com

Lisa S.

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